Non-Jewish Girlfriend

My Jewish journey has been very complicated to say the least. Although I was surrounded by Jewish influences throughout my childhood, I wasn’t ready to embrace it until the middle of high school. I went to a Temple Preschool Program when I was a toddler. I then attended a Jewish Day School from kindergarten until fifth grade, which I hated. I vividly remember getting yelled at by the teachers and rabbis on a daily basis for falling asleep during the minyans, among other things. I felt relieved when my mom told me that I would be transferring to public school the following year. My Jewish journey started to take a positive turn the next year when I was preparing for my bar mitzvah. My synagogue’s cantor undid everything all of my previous Jewish teachers did to me. He instilled confidence in me and made sure our weekly meetings weren’t stressful. My bar mitzvah took place on Saturday May 9th, 2015. My Torah portion was called Emor, which in Hebrew means “to speak.” This is ironic because many doctors told my mom that I may never speak, since I was diagnosed with autism when I was one. That day, I proudly made a speech about my early life and thanked everyone who helped me get to where I was that day. I had over 300 invited guests in the sanctuary, along with everyone in my family, which alone is huge since my father rarely showed up for events in my life. A few weeks after my bar mitzvah, the synagogue’s board voted not to renew the cantor’s contract. I felt betrayed and accomplished at the same time. The summer after my bar mitzvah, my family and I celebrated with a trip to Israel. I read Torah at the Western Wall, we climbed Masada, floated in the Dead Sea, and visited Israel’s National Holocaust Museum. We also attended the Great Synagogue for a Shabbat service. I vividly remember feeling so proud sitting next to my grandfather in the men’s section of that amazing place. My grandfather has always been like a father figure to me. On the contrary, my real father was not around. My parents divorced when I was little and a week before I turned 15, my mom told me that he is a drug addict. I was surprised at first, but as I recalled some of his previous behaviors, everything made more sense. While I was 15, an incident occurred, in which he ended up getting arrested. Although I was aware of his drug addiction, I was taken aback. I, as a 15 year old, had to look at my own father’s mug shot. A few weeks after his arrest, I got the flu and had to stay home from school for a week. When I returned, I started feeling anxious all the time. Waking up in the middle of the night and having a panic attack became my normal. Although it said on my IEP that I was only supposed to attend counseling with my school social worker once a week, throughout this period, I was in her office every day, at least 1-2 times a day. This was when I realized that I need Judaism in my life. I knew that my grandfather attended Shabbat services every Saturday morning. In the middle of 10th grade, I decided to start going with him. In synagogue, I felt a sense of peace after a stressful week. As I started going to services with him, I also started keeping kosher on my own, and taking family Shabbat dinners seriously. Another way I started to deepen my connection to G-d was by wrapping tefillin on a daily basis. Since I needed more Judaism, I signed up for USY on Wheels the following summer. United Synagogue Youth is a Jewish youth movement, and wheels meant that we travelled across the country on a bus. On this teen tour, I had the opportunity to visit many famous landmarks of our great country, in addition to leading a sunrise Shacharit service at the Grand Canyon at 5 am. This was when I started to firmly believe in G-d. It was also on this trip that I began to put my phone away for Shabbat, which I still do to this day. When I came home from this trip, I felt like I wanted to give back. I started to staunchly support Israel. I attended AIPAC’s High School Summit, where I learned about the U.S.-Israel relationship, issues facing Israel and the Middle East, its history, and even lobbied Congress on the last day. The next month, I attended AIPAC’s college conference, where I leaned about all of these issues in greater depth and how to become an effective pro-Israel activist on campus. The next month, I started interning for AIPAC, where I learned about all of these issues from a political perspective. The following year, I began college. I joined my university’s Chabad on Campus and promised to start a pro-Israel organization. This was when a girl came into my life. She became my first girlfriend. We attended Shabbat dinners together at the University’s Chabad house, attended a Shabbaton together in Crowd Heights, and we even took Sinai Scholars together with the campus’s Chabad Rabbi. Sinai Scholars is an in-depth panorama of Jewish study covering eight big ideas, loads of hands‑on learning, and no subject taboo. We did so with the intention of building a Jewish home together and creating a strong Jewish family. Although this may have seemed like a picture perfect relationship on the outside, it was toxic on the inside. She failed to communicate with me, lied to me, alienated me from my support system, bad mouthed my family and friends, and even had me lying to my loved ones. Finally, I broke free from the toxicity and ended the relationship. In the weeks following the breakup, she stalked me, followed me from my class to my car, and screamed at me across the university’s parking lot. All of this insanity made me feel physically ill. Since I was on the university Chabad’s eboard, I was required to attend weekly zoom meetings. In the midst of this insanity, the Rabbi held a zoom meeting with all of the outgoing board members (which I was) and the potential incoming board members came on at the end. When the zoom call came to a close, I saw my ex girlfriend’s name on the call. Although her camera was off, seeing her name was nauseating enough for me to log off the zoom call, take a hot shower, and then throw up. The next morning, my mom was on the phone with the rabbi. She told him everything that happened in the last few months. The Rabbi told my mom that is unacceptable behavior, and if it continues, she would not be allowed on the Chabad eboard. Although he told my mom that, he put her on the board anyway, which meant that he was dishonest. Furthermore, she was featured in at least 90% of the Chabad’s Instagram posts. I understand that this Rabbi was put in a difficult situation, but he didn’t have to (1) put my ex girlfriend on the e board; (2) feature her in 90% of the Chabad’s Instagram posts; and (3) lie. I also understand that Chabad is supposed to welcome every Jew and can’t turn anyone away. This Chabad Rabbi managed to turn me away, not through his words, but through his actions. If anything, the Chabad Rabbi is supposed to turn away the perpetrator and welcome the victim, but through this rabbi’s lack of courage and dishonesty, he embraced the perpetrator and managed to turn away the victim. About five months later, I got a new girlfriend. We are still dating to this day. It has been three years. She is not Jewish, but she is amazing. Whenever I go through a new experience, I do my best to take a lesson out of it. The lesson I took away from my toxic relationship with my ex girlfriend and how the Chabad Rabbi handled the breakup is that if a girl is not Jewish, then that’s not a deal breaker in relationships. My mom, stepdad, and grandparents were a little turned off that I was dating a non-Jewish girl, but as they recalled what I had been through in my previous relationship, they began to embrace her. Since building a Jewish family is really important to me, I started inviting her over for family Shabbat dinners, Hanukkah parties, and Passover Seders. We even celebrated Purim together every year since we started dating. I included her in all of the Jewish celebrations to inform her on all of the joyful aspects of Judaism. A year after we started dating, October 7th occurred. My mom told me that I must do something on my campus to raise awareness for Israel. At first I refused out of fear that my ex-girlfriend would appear, but since I founded my university’s Students Supporting Israel chapter, I then agreed to fundraise for Israel’s Red Cross with the university’s Chabad. I brought my girlfriend with me to inform her about Israel. In addition to fundraising, I donated toys to Israel on behalf of my synagogue, and attended the massive rally for Israel in Washington DC. I did so because I know that one day, my future children will learn about October 7th in history class and may very well ask me what I did for Israel and the Jewish people in the aftermath. As I stated earlier, I have had a difficult relationship with my father due to his drug addiction. May 25th, 2023 was my father’s sobriety date. When he was clean for nine months, I forgave him and welcomed him back into my life. When he was clean for 14 months, he was diagnosed with stage four cancer. A year after his diagnosis, he was put into hospice care. This was when I visited him in the hospital. I saw him on his death bed and this was when he told me that he must have Jewish grandchildren. My father passed away one week later. I understand that Judaism runs through the mother, which is why my father confronted me on his death bed about this. Although my girlfriend agreed to raise our future children Jewish, she is reluctant to convert. She was raised Christian and went to church every Sunday with her father growing up. When her father passed away, she stopped going to church and stopped identifying with a religion all together. I spoke with three different Chabad rabbis about my situation and they all said that generally Jewish men should be with Jewish women, but my situation is an exception. They all said that she should ideally convert, but if she is adamantly against converting herself, then converting our future children will be the last resort. I am looking for a very chill and relaxed orthodox rabbi who understands my situation and is willing to work with me.

Shalom!

Thank you for writing.

I am sorry to hear what you have been through...But you seem like a strong person who will get through this, as well!

A Jew is forbidden to marry a non-Jew. This has nothing to do with cultural preference or prejudice but it is explicitly forbidden by the Torah. It is one the commandments that God gave us at Mount Sinai. A Jew who marries a non-Jew transgresses a severe Torah prohibition, not to mention that intermarriage often also means the cessation of one’s Jewish lineage as the children of a non-Jewish woman are not Jewish regardless if the father is as you clearly know.

It is also, of course, forbidden to date a non-Jew. There are no exceptions.

I strongly recommend that you save yourself the heartache and break off the relationship now.

Good luck!

 

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